Diary of a Hoarder
FRIDAY 27TH NOVEMBER – BLACK FRIDAY
Today is my favourite day of the year!
Honestly, it feels even better than shopping for Christmas!
A day when someone like me can shop online for bargains and get whatever I want at a fraction of the price.
There’s so much I’ve been eyeing up for months, just waiting for this very moment to finally be able to afford to buy them.
The Gucci handbag I’ve been obsessing over for nearly a year, the Christian Louboutin heels – the white ones with the sky-high stilettos, perfect for the next office party – all within reach today.
I’ve got my little flexible friend close to hand, my favourite cup of coffee at my side, and my iPad mini open and ready to help me grab ahold of every awesome deal!
I’m ready to max it out!
Honestly, life doesn’t get much better than this, does it?
I’m not completely self-absorbed though. I don’t just buy great things for myself. I buy lots of amazing gifts for all my friends too.
No end of times will I end up scrolling through the lightning deals on Amazon, ready to pounce on a great bargain that will make the perfect present for someone that I really care about.
See, I’m not that selfish – I’m just super savvy!
And the deals today are just out of this world!
Some of this stuff is over eighty percent off – can you believe that?
I’ve always had a talent for finding the best bargains. It’s why I’m so great at my job as a personal shopping consultant and interior designer.
It’s my job to help people find hard-to-come-by items at great knock down prices and to help them transform their homes into the most beautiful and unimaginable spaces.
Wandering through gorgeous homes, turning rooms into art – I just love it!
And, of course, it pays for my own personal shopping habit too – which is definitely not a bad thing!
See – It’s win-win!
SATURDAY 28TH NOVEMBER – SECOND CHRISTMAS
Today is what I call my ‘Second Christmas’. It’s the day when everything I ordered on Black Friday arrives straight at my door.
Each time the doorbell rings, it feels just like Christmas morning!
Honestly, it might even be better!
I barely slept last night. I woke up early, just sitting there with a cup of coffee, waiting for the deliveries to start.
The first one came just as I was finishing my second cup of coffee. I practically ran to the door, my heart racing, and the delivery man handed me a stack of boxes so tall I could barely see over them.
Unpacking them was sheer bliss!
Gucci, Louboutin, Amazon gadgets, quirky home décor – my entire flat has turned into a cave of unimaginable treasures.
I even found things I’d forgotten I ordered.
Each item felt like a little present from me to me – each one bringing a smile to my face and warm fuzzy feeling inside – like the same kind of feeling you get from a gentle and caring hug
But as the boxes piled up, the excitement started to wear off.
I had nowhere to put anything. The piles of last year’s purchases still cluttered the space, gathering dust.
My wardrobes are bursting at the seams, and my shelves are literally sagging under the weight.
I can barely find the floor in most rooms anymore!
As I shift things around to make room for the new, an uneasy feeling starts creeping in.
Why do I keep buying more when I already have so much?
It’s not about the things themselves, I know that.
Each purchase represents a fleeting moment of happiness, a quick escape from a feeling that feels like something important’s missing.
But what am I really trying to fill?
The smell of cardboard and plastic lingers all around me as I breath in the intoxicated air and try to navigate through this near inescapable maze of clutter.
I trip over so many unopened shopping bags again and again and again, stumbling and falling as I try to make my way around the flat.
For a brief moment, I wonder if this fleeting joy is really worth all the suffocating weight of it all.
But today, I’ll let it go.
Today, I’ll enjoy my ‘Second Christmas’, even if I know it will be gone like the setting of the sun.
MONDAY 30TH NOVEMBER – THE AFTERMATH
I woke up this morning with a splitting headache, like I hadn’t slept at all in a month!
My mouth feels dry, scally and nasty almost like something crawled deep down into it in the middle of the night and died!
And don’t even get me started on the flat… the flat is an absolute disaster!
Towering boxes and bags are piled up like overpowering skyscrapers blocking out all the golden rays of the sun.
In every corner, stacked so high it’s impossible to see through, around or even over the top of them.
There’s barely enough room to make a path to towards the kitchen, and you can forget about getting to the wardrobe getting a multitude of bumps and bruises by literally tripping over everything.
The joy from Saturday has completely gone, vanishing into the night like the disappearance of the setting sun, replaced by a sinking feeling I simply cannot seem to shake.
The deliveries, which were all once so very exciting, now feel like much more like a burden. Tying me down like a ball and chain, leaving me gasping for air with no obvious way to escape.
I tried to shuffle things around this morning to make so more space, but no matter how much I move, nothing fits.
It’s as if the walls are literally closing in on me!
On the way to work, I stared at the bag of new purchases sitting next to me on the bus. And for the first time ever, they felt… heavy.
Far too heavy for what they are!
I keep telling myself that the next thing will make me feel better, that the next purchase will be the one that finally fills this gap – this darkness – an ever expanding hole that’s relentless and just won’t stop growing inside!
I feel it inside of me – this black hole of nothingness – that not only sucks in all my light, my joy and my happiness, it traps me in it’s gravitational pull – making it impossible for me to escape.
I’m starting to realise that the clutter in my life isn’t just around me – it’s deep down inside if me too!
The stuff piling up all around my flat is like a window into my mind, reflecting exactly how I feel about my life – trapped, suffocated, and unable to break free!
It’s not just physical clutter; it’s deeply emotional too.
Maybe it’s time I really did do something about it. The only problem is – where on Earth do I even start?
FRIDAY 4TH DECEMBER – CRISIS POINT
This week has been rough. Really, really rough!
Every day, I come home to a flat that feels much less like a home and much more like a storage unit!
My anxiety is going straight through the roof!
I can barely sleep.
Tonight, everything finally hit me.
I tripped over a stack of boxes in the hallway and fell down to the ground hard. My knee was badly cut and bruised, and my heart sank as I sat on the floor, to get my bearings back surrounded by all the chaos.
Tears strolled down from my eyes before I could stop them.
It’s not just the mess; it’s what it represents!
Every single thing I’ve ever bought is tied to a feeling that I’ve been trying so hard to avoid, and now it’s all catching up with me.
I needed help. So I called Lucy, my best friend, who I’ve been dodging and ducking for weeks.
Lucy’s the kind of person who always knows when something’s wrong, but she doesn’t push.
She just waits until I’m ready to talk.
When I told her everything – about the mess, the shame, the way I’ve been drowning in it – she didn’t judge me.
She didn’t tell me what I should do.
She just listened.
And for the first time in a very long time, I felt actually felt some of the weight lift.
Lucy came over later with my favourite Indian takeaway, vegetable korma with pilau rice, poppadoms and a garlic and lemongrass naan.
We cleared a small space on and around the sofa where we could both talk and eat.
For once, I felt relaxed, like I wasn’t drowning alone anymore and so we both talked into the late hours of the night.
She suggested I see a therapist, someone who could help me figure out why I keep doing this to myself and can’t stop myself from filling my life with all this useless stuff!
The idea scared me at first, but she reminded me that getting help isn’t admitting failure. It’s actually taking a giant step forward.
SATURDAY 5TH DECEMBER – A NEW BEGINNING
Today feels different. For the first time in a long time, I feel… hopeful.
Lucy stayed over, and this morning, we started tackling the clutter together.
It was slow, painful work.
Every item felt like a small goodbye to a piece of me, but with each box we cleared, I somehow also felt a little bit lighter.
I’ve made an appointment with a therapist.
It’s terrifying, but it’s time!
I’m tired of trying to fill a void that can’t be filled with things. I want to figure out what’s really going on with me, and why I can’t stop doing this to myself.
By the end of the day, my flat had more space than I’ve seen in years. I could actually see the floor again!
There’s something calming about these empty spaces – they may be small – but they behold great power – like cracks in a wall of darkness letting in a golden light.
I feel it. This sense of peace that I hadn’t realised I was missing – even though I clearly was.
And tonight, as I sit in my newly cleared flat, I finally have something I haven’t had in a very long time: hope.
There’s a long road ahead, I know this – but for the first time ever, I finally feel ready to walk it.
THE END
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Author’s Thoughts
Sometimes, the things we surround ourselves with aren’t really what we’re searching for.
A new purchase, another bargain, something beautiful to own. For a little while, they can bring excitement, comfort or even happiness.
But what happens when that feeling fades?
I wrote this story partly from personal experience. There was a time in my life when I struggled with hoarding, believing that the next purchase might somehow fill something that was missing.
Of course, it never really did.
And I think that’s something worth remembering. What looks like an unusual habit or a cluttered home from the outside can sometimes hide a much deeper struggle that nobody else can see.
But I also wanted this story to be about hope.
Because recognising that something needs to change doesn’t mean everything suddenly becomes easy. Sometimes, it simply means finding the courage to take one small step, accepting a little help, and beginning again.
And perhaps that’s enough for today.
So I wonder…
How often do we try to fill the empty spaces in our lives with things, when what we’re really searching for is something that can’t be bought?
Just something to think about…